Can't I just be a gamer?

If you’ve never been to a video game store, allow me to paint a picture. 

Imagine a bored sales clerk and a few teenage boys playing the demo games or browsing the used bin. There’s not a lot of interaction happening. So imagine walking into said video game store to casually waste time while browsing the used bin and being immediately greeted by the bored sales clerk.

“Welcome to Gamestop! Today these two displays are on clearance- 50% off all collectibles.”

“Great, thanks.”

After the obligatory exchange, I am fully expecting to be able to fade into quietly browsing. Imagine my surprise and shock then when the said clerk is now following me out from behind the counter.

“Are you looking for a gift?” He says as I scan the clearance section.

“Uh … no. I came in to look at games, but now I’m distracted by the sale.” 

I smile briefly expecting that to be the end of it. This is New England, after all- we don’t chat with strangers.

He then follows me to the PS4 games section.

“So… what sort of games do you play?”

I inwardly sigh because I know now what’s happening. I’ve been asked this same question in a dozen different ways in a variety of settings. I’m a woman in a game store. When I was in comic shops it was “So… you read comics?”. At GenCon it was “So… what kind of RPGs do you play?” 

This is the validation question.

It’s always asked with a mixture of curiosity and disbelief, sometimes a dash of scorn.

This is when I must prove that I belong here. That I’m not some helpless mommy trying to pick out a birthday gift for her son who is totally bewildered by these “game things”; or a poser looking for the latest version of solitaire for computers.

I take a breath.

“Oh you know, I really love the Bioware games- Mass Effect, Dragon Age, that sort of thing.”

In the past I would have gone into full interview mode, desperately listing my gaming catalog to “prove” my belonging: Uncharted, God of War, Fallout, Skyrim, Last of Us, World of Warcraft, and on and on all the way back to the Atari games I played at my neighbor’s house as a kid.

This is the point in the story where I’d like to say that I spoke up in a non-threatening way, giving feedback on how his approach was having the opposite effect of what he likely intended as a salesperson.

I can’t even say that I responded with a salty response like “Dude, I’ve been playing video games since before you were born. Now leave me be.”

I did none of those things.

Instead, I ignored his non-response and pretended to browse a few minutes more before leaving and heading to the bookstore. At least my presence has never (yet) been questioned in a bookstore.

Managing Casual Sexism

Let’s start by saying it’s not anyone’s job to educate others on their behavior. That is not your responsibility.

However, it can be helpful for YOU to exercise your voice in low-cost scenarios. 

In this particular situation, his power over me was limited. There was no risk of losing my job or being in physical danger. It’s because of these reasons that I felt like it wasn’t worth taking the time and energy to have the conversation. If I had been in the mood, it was an excellent low-risk situation to practice speaking out. The worst-case scenario is that I never go to that GameStop again- I could just buy on Amazon or Steam and cut out awkward gamer interactions altogether.

Knowing how to speak up when it DOES matter is crucial. One comment is inconsequential but a pervasive culture of slight sexism quickly becomes a situation of “death by a thousand cuts”. It eats away at confidence and can lead to feeling burned out.

An approach to practice

Start by asking for permission. 

“I have some thoughts to share, are you open to hearing them right now?”

Set a clear intention.

 “I want to help create an environment where everyone feels like they belong here.”

Be honest and clear. 

“When you asked me what games I play, I felt like I was being asked to prove that I’m a “real” gamer. I’ve noticed that my male friends never get asked that question in game stores, and I only get asked when I’m in a store alone or with a female friend.” (I would add this second sentence in order to share that I’m not blaming him in particular, and hopefully making him aware of the larger pattern.)

Make a reasonable request.

“I know you’re trying to be a good salesperson. It would be great if you could simply say: let me know if I can help you find anything, just like you ask the men who come in the store.”

Whatever his response, if you’ve been kind and calm, is more about him than you. This is about getting some practice using your voice. Find the approach that works for you and build confidence so that when it’s a situation that DOES matter, you’ll be ready.

A more inclusive culture doesn’t just happen. It’s the sum of efforts large and small by all of us working to educate and inspire a better way forward.