Perfectionism as identity
Raise your hand if you’ve ever humble-bragged about being a perfectionist.
It’s the most frequent response to the classic interview question: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
“Oh… I’m a bit of a perfectionist…”
There was a time when I wore that label like a badge of freaking honor. I checked all the boxes for perfectionism:
All or nothing thinking: I was either going to be the best at something or I didn’t want to do it at all.
Procrastination: I was so prone to waiting until the night before something was due, that I had to trick myself by writing the wrong due date for large projects. I’d put a date in my planner 3-4 days before they were actually due so that I wouldn’t end up completely screwed.
Crippling anxiety: It was rare to go an entire week without a panic attack in college.
Imposter syndrome: I would often worry that I’d get a letter or be called into an office where they’d say “oh, it appears we made an error- you don’t actually belong (in this school, program, job, etc)” which led to…
Inability to accept critical feedback: Even the kindest and most constructive feedback would leave me choking back tears and unable to talk to the person for days.
Why did I cling to this identity so strongly? If you relate to these hallmarks, I invite you to reflect and consider whether it’s serving you the way you think it is.
The Perfectionism Myth
Our society, the way we are raised, teachers, mentors all contribute to the perfectionism myth. Schools unintentionally create perfectionists with the system of rewards and metrics where a “perfect score” is a known quantity. It’s why I loved math and science so much- scoring 100% was clear-cut. Your answers are right or wrong.
Then when you leave school and enter the workforce, the quest becomes murky and frustrating. How do you score 100% in an office job? It’s not very translatable.
But there’s a difference between the drive to excel and perfectionism, and that’s the REAL reason perfectionism is NOT an asset. To help explain, I’ll share this anecdote from the American Psychological Association:
Dr Paul Hewitt had a patient who was obsessed with getting an A+ in a class, to the point of being depressed, suicidal even. When the student did get the A+, he was even more depressed. When Dr. Hewitt asked why, “He proceeded to tell me that the A+ was just a demonstration of how much of a failure he was… If he were perfect, the student argued, he wouldn’t have had to work so hard.”
Etienne Benson, The Many Faces of Perfectionism
This is why perfectionism is not an asset, to anyone. It creates a lose-lose scenario where no matter the outcome- the fears and self-doubts are absolutely crushing because…
You can’t be authentic and perfect at the same time.
This is the lose-lose proposition of perfectionism.
You procrastinate on goals because it’s impossible to find a way to create the “perfect” results, which then creates struggle and stress, and even if you achieve the “perfect” success, you don’t believe you’re worthy because you had to struggle to get there, OR if it was easy you feel like you didn’t earn it. Cue the dreaded imposter syndrome!
This has come up for me many times, especially when I need to write. I’ve had so many ideas over the years for stories and novels but when I go to put pen to paper, of course it doesn’t come out as I had it in my head the instant I start writing. Knowing that there’s a writing process and many many drafts before it needs to get to the great story I envisioned never seemed to help me get past that perfectionism. I couldn’t get past the fear that I might put in all this effort and never reach the level of greatness that I envisioned. So, why bother?
All the things that made me an excellent high-achieving student crippled me when I got into the so-called real world. When success was no longer guaranteed or when there was no linear path to victory, I was lost. The perfectionism that I had considered a strength became a ticket to burnout town. I think this is why my favorite hobbies are crochet and video games. Follow the pattern, and put in the effort and you will end up with a beautiful blanket/shawl/scarf. Learn the rules of the game and follow the clues and you’ll level up and “win”.
This experience of perfectionism and stress after college is one of the reasons I love working with students and post-grads. I know what it feels like when the rules change and the strategies that have created success no longer work.
Breaking the cage
What can we do to stop the self-sabotage that comes with perfectionism?
Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
Build awareness
Start noticing when you procrastinate or have all-or-nothing thinking or any of the other hallmarks mentioned at the start of this article. Make this as simple as possible so that you have no excuses for following through. Some ideas to get you started:
Put a checkmark on your daily planner whenever you notice perfectionist thinking
Create a quick journal entry using DayOne or whatever note-keeping tech you prefer
Set an alert on your phone to remind you to record any behaviors/thoughts that have come up
Share additional ideas and suggestions in the comments below!
Get help
A therapist, mentor, friend, or coach can act as a mirror to help you with these reflections and create strategies for approaching problems in a new way. Reach out for a consult!
Check out the video blog on this topic below:
I had the pleasure of chatting about perfectionism with my good friend Susan Finn – from how we’ve seen it manifest in ourselves and our clients to how we take steps to overcome perfectionism in our own lives.