I’ve been seeing a recurring pattern in my conversations and coaching lately. I hear a lot of stories about feeling stuck because of competing desires. At first glance, it seems like FOMO (fear of missing out): “If I go for option A, that means letting go of option B. What if I don’t end up liking option A?”
There are sooo many good arguments and excuses that go along with this story. I know, because I’ve used them all myself in the past, and even see them turn up as little seeds of doubt on a near-daily basis. Just like the weeds that will soon be popping up in our yards, it takes diligence to keep them at bay.
When I was facing a career change, I remember thinking, “just tell me where to focus my energy and I’ll do it!” I couldn’t decide on a path, and I was afraid of choosing the wrong course. I knew that I had the skills and resilience to succeed in anything I put my mind on, yet something kept me at a standstill.
What’s really going on here?
Does making a decision to focus on option A mean that you’re not allowed to change your mind later if your explorations show that “A” isn’t what you hoped it would become? No one can tell you what the “correct” path is for you because there’s no one perfect answer. Now, your great Aunt Tilly might have a million opinions about what you should choose, and fear of being judged for your choices is another thorn in this tangled mess but gathering advice is generally not helpful.
The reality is that making a decision – any decision – will ultimately help you resolve which option is right for you much more quickly than staying on the hamster wheel of indecision and gathering opinions. Everyone I’ve spoken with KNOWS this on some level. They know that by dispersing their energy, they aren’t making progress in any direction. They also know that no one is going to chain them to a desk and make them stay the course if they determine that they really would rather follow option B instead of option A.
The next step is often to examine the fear of failure, though the people I work with are highly engaged and hard-working individuals who know that they can achieve anything they set their minds to. So is it really failure that they’re worried about?
With enough digging, what I tend to find is that the FOMO is actually more like FOMF (fear of moving FORWARD- though I don’t anticipate seeing #FOMF trending anytime soon). As much as we say we don’t like being stuck, there is some comfort in knowing what the day will bring. Maybe you are tired of feeling like you’re not valued at work, but at least you know what to expect. If you decide to pursue a leadership position or a move to a different department the uncertainty of what life will become once you’re there can be crippling.
Most people choose to be unhappy rather than uncertain.
– Tim Ferriss, The Four Hour Workweek
What can you do to create some momentum?
We know that a body at rest tends to stay at rest. The longer we’re in this limbo state of not choosing, the harder it is to commit to moving forward, and that’s when burnout creeps in. If we can get moving, even a little, it will go a long way toward moving us out of a rut.
Take consistent small actions. What new habit or pattern can you create to start moving in a direction? In reality, it doesn’t matter which option you pick, because you can always change course. In fact, it will be much easier to change direction once you’re in motion.
What small action can you commit to taking this week so that you can get moving?
Try fear-setting.
Tim Ferriss has a practice that keeps him moving forward that involves getting clarity on your fears. Use the same level of visualization that you do to set goals and use that to track your fears, bring them down to size. This works especially well with my planners and achievers out there- it makes the fears manageable by naming them and mapping out what the real risks are and how you can prevent or offset them. Create a game plan for potential roadblocks.
Make a bold declaration.
There’s something about speaking your plan/goal/decision out loud to another person that kicks us out of the inaction loop. It’s part of what makes coaching so effective: you make a decision and an action plan – OUT LOUD – to another human being who is going to follow up with you. It’s why having a running buddy or a personal trainer increases the chances of actually following through on the idea that “someday” you’ll run a marathon.