I had a lot of emotional attachment to their goal to quit smoking.
When I was an undergrad, two of my friends were trying to quit smoking. They asked me to take their cigarettes and not give them back under any circumstances. I asked them if they were serious, because I take this sort of thing seriously and they said absolutely. A few hours later, the begging commenced, and taking this seriously I did not cave. They didn’t thank me for my diligence. They eventually broke down and bought more cigarettes and I was very upset. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was actually being counter-productive.
Fast forward a couple of decades, and I am now a coach. A big part of my job is being an accountability partner for my clients. Here’s what I’ve learned since those hazy days of my youth.
Boundaries
People often speak of boundaries as a punitive thing, but it’s actually the kindest form of interaction. I think the world would be a much happier place if we all created honest agreements for our interactions with others.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
In the example with my friends in college, getting honest about setting goals that are reasonable and looking at the big picture about who/what/when/where/how they wanted to be held accountable would have taken some serious vulnerability. It also would have been much less likely to end in disappointment or resentment.
Don’t be attached to outcomes
Goals shift and change as the world around us changes. What was a priority last week may not be the priority today. Being flexible and flowing with the changes of the universe is far more powerful than fixating on a single outcome.
Take a moment to breathe and reflect on the big picture.
As an accountability partner, this becomes even more important. While I believe in my clients even more than they sometimes believe in themselves, their journey is their own. I have to stay in a state of non-judgment and detached involvement. I care about the person and empowering them to make their own choices, not the choices themselves. If you want to be a great friend and accountability partner, adopting this mindset also creates a bubble of self-care so you’re not taking on other people’s drama and troubles even though you’re supporting the person.
Some things are not yours to “fix”.
Grace
People are always doing the best they can. The more you can sink into this belief, the more peace you will have, especially when feeling disappointed by others. Perhaps the initial goal was too big of a leap or the buy-in wasn’t there - get curious instead of angry. Whether you’re holding yourself or others accountable you’ll get much further with curiosity and working to identify what got in the way. For that conversation to work, you must believe that they are doing the best they can, truly.
Set right-sized goals.
What’s the real goal?
This is a question I not only ask my clients but reflect on for my own goals when I’m feeling stuck or reluctant. I was completely procrastinating on this month’s blog, and I had to remind myself that the real goal is to have an active presence on my site, not to win the Pulitzer Prize.
Remembering that the real goal was to be healthier, not to quit smoking cold turkey on the first day would have allowed much more grace for the interaction with my friends in college, and would have made the experience much more likely to help them eventually quit smoking.